9 Months Later...Self Cross-Examination

Peace...

It's been ENTIRELY too long since I've posted a blog here, I've been really busy in the 4-D world though, so pardon if you please...To all of the readers, I want to thank you for keeping the archives alive, and being satisfied with the thoughts (mine & other's) that I found significant enough to post here...When I started this blog, I honestly never thought that it would be as popular as it was/is, and it's you (the reader) who's made it that way, so all praises due to YOU!

August 2010 has been a turning point for me (moved from a 9-month Zag/retrograde into a new Zig/upgrade)...

• My Eldest Sun turned 6 years old (I was proud of him before he was Born, same no matter what he Founds in Life)...
• I've officially had 120 on cap for 8 years as of August 9 2010, not coincidentally the same day as the end of my 9 month Zag (read back to Novermber 2009 for details)...
• I FINALLY finished my coursework for Network+ 2009 with a 91%!!! (the book is thick, but the terminology is thicker, big accomplishment & much more respect for those who undertook the previous versions)...
• I learned more about Ramadan than when I was a practicing Muslim (didn't participate, but watching the Muslim Community this month gave me a new respect in some areas, and lost me in others)...
• I've removed all rules & restrictions (other than the basics) when it comes to creating music, I had gotten to rigid IMO
  
• I re-gained my respect for Kanye (he's earned it, that "Power" joint is hot!, never stopped liking his work)...
• I learned just how much I REALLY don't like talking (I'm much better @ putting that energy into show & prove rather than show & tell, or even rather than show & prove & tell)...
• I've officially started a new life for myself (knew the hard work & focus this year would pay off!!!)...
• I seriously considered starting another new life (that's a later discussion)...
• I seriously considered taking another life (I didn't, just know that he/she is alive & well)...
• I visited a desert (my trip to Phoenix, Arizona brought Understanding of the phoenix legend & how it applies to Self)...
• I visited mountains (plan on climbing one day, just not this month)...
• I visited an ocean, the Pacific to be specific (not that didn't have respect for the Planet Earth beforehand, but that experience seriously changed the way I see this Biosphere)...

This year as a whole has been one of re-discovery of Self, & even though I didn’t necessarily like it, I needed it. I've re-bonded with family this year (long stories), learned to accept people as they are instead of how I would prefer them to be, & along with other random experiences I had this year, I was really reminded me of the potential that I've been hiding from myself, simply because...ok, serious confession here...I still somewhere deep down had concern for what others thought or said about me!

WHAT?! Allah Universal, Mr. "Take the Best Part, fuck the rest others can have the stress" caring about the poor part?!?!? Yep, I still did, & the worst part about it is I didn't see it.

Only by being honest with oneself can one move forward.

It was shortly after my bornday (June 8) that I re-examined everything that I "say" about myself, to see how much Truth was really behind those words...had some small areas in which I checked myself, no big deal. Had some small changes in my perception from that, kinda big deal. & then, the "attitude" I've carried for years about not giving a damn about what people think say or feel about me, I found it to have some MAJOR holes in it! This was confirmed by words that I NEVER expected to hear in my life...I was told (paraphrased)..."You're TOO humble! AND it's for Real"...Didn't know what to think about it @ first, said person was Right & Exact though, I was shortchanging myself in the name of "Compassion"...

Mind you, I used to be the most arrogant muthafucka I've EVER known, & was GOOOOOD @ it!!! Think, Kanye with a delusions of grandeur AND a God-Complex, that was me! I'm still not sure if I liked the attention or not, but I can't say I hated it! Over the years though, it brought me less troubles (namely less haters & less police attention) to just play shit cool & stay off the radar...but when I do something, I'm determined to be the best @ it, so I all but disappeared off the fuckn radar!!! In the process, I had unwittingly grown to care TOO much how people felt around/about me, simply because I didn't want ANY extra attention, meanwhile telling myself I'm working on being more "kind & compassionate"??? Bullshit!!!

I was biting my tongue in the name of compassion (& not liking to talk much, that part's true), & although it helped some people out along the way, in teaching them how to play it calmer & smarter, it was still VERY not me! I know for a fact I picked it up living in Mississippi, when I held myself responsible for being the only 5% that most of them would ever know or see (for a while), so I had to keep my P.R. game tight...I didn't realize I had compromised myself though...now don't get me wrong, I’ve still been assertive & punk still wasn't in my repertoire, but I let alotta shit slide (maybe just being wiser, who knows?)...The time away from there, again although not the best time in my life (felt like jail with school/work release), it's done me well, as it's afforded me the time to retune myself to myself, & therefore get back to being better @ being myself...My adventures so far this year, ESPECIALLY this past month, is all the confirmation that I needed...DO U, SCREW WHO LIKES IT OT NOT...

I’m still not seeking a spotlight, but I’m definitely gonna stop denying my Light, doesn’t do me much good. Even though it allowed me to grow as a person, it’s hindered my outward growth…I Know the Ledge from past experience(s) how far to go with Borning self-promotion, so just like everything else, moderation is key (Sirat al-mustaquim)…

Peace…

Allah Universal